Shakespeare and Dishes – on being a stay-at-home mother

I wrote this blog post a long time back and never published it.  I discovered the draft, read it and found I still agree with my three-years-ago self so I’m publishing it. 🙂 

Yesterday at lunch, my three year old started our mealtime conversation by asking me quite seriously, “Mom? Does my mouth look like it has peanut butter in it?” She then opened her mouth wide, inviting scrutiny.

“Yes,” I confirmed.

She nodded and continued eating her sandwich.

I’ll be the first to admit that this type of interaction is not all that uncommon with young children at home. There are mundane (or downright inane!) parts of nearly every job I can think of, and motherhood is no exception.

What I “do”

When someone asks me what I “do” and I respond that I’m a mother(.) and I end my sentence there, often the conversation stutters a bit. It’s not nearly as common of a full-time job/profession/role/calling as it used to be and it seems to catch people off-guard. Almost like it doesn’t count as a legitimate answer to the question?

Maybe these people have previously conversed with a three year old and they envision my life is full of peanut buttery mouth inspections? Maybe they wonder how taking care of children and a home and a husband could possibly occupy an entire working day? Sometimes the person I’m talking to goes as far as to confess that they could never do what I do. A few would “go crazy”. Others “couldn’t handle it”. I suspect many silently think they’d be bored out their minds.

Something that I often think but rarely point out is that life has seasons. I have spent 4 years getting a chemistry degree, 8 years working my tail off for an amazing bootstrapped company, and 7 years (so far) devoting my best efforts to my three children, my husband, and our home. (For those doing the math who know I’m 30… I’ll clarify: Some of those seasons overlapped.)

Painted as “Black Cat” as a SmugMug Super Hero, in a triathlon, in Hungary

I’ve also traveled to more than 20 countries, skydived, bungee jumped, scuba dived, completed a half-iron man triathlon, played soccer internationally, and done other things that are fairly interesting. But when people ask what I “do” and I answer truthfully, the conversation is usually dead in the water.

The simple truth though is that while I don’t consider myself “just a mom,” unquestionably I have experienced more personal growth since I became a mother than at any other time in my life. Some people imagine my job is composed of drudgery and yes, dishes. But it is also one of the most freeing and flexible jobs you can imagine, not to mention downright funny. It’s also so fulfilling that at least once a day, joy wells up inside me and overflows until I’m dancing with my kids. How many jobs can you say that about?

As I explained to my oldest daughter recently, she and I actually share a birthday. The day she was born is my mothering birthday.

Since then I’ve been stretched (physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally) and changed in so many painful but beautiful ways. Yes, raising children is worthwhile, important, crucial. It’s also incredibly rewarding.

But? I’ll be the first to admit that it can turn your brain to mush if you’re not careful.

Fight the mush

Maybe we stay-at-home mothers talk too often and too casually about “pregnancy brain” or the “brain fog” that comes with living with little people like it’s a foregone conclusion. Maybe that’s why confessing we stay at home with our children is often a conversation killer.

I came across a quote many months ago that has been mulling in my head ever since. I can’t put my finger on where I found it, though, which is driving me nuts. It went something like this, as a response to an insinuation that staying at home was “aiming low” in some way:

“Nonsense. Taking care of a family and home doesn’t mean you’re any less intelligent. You can listen to Shakespeare while you do the dishes.”

While not everyone wants or needs to dive into Shakespeare (though I’ve surprised myself by loving it lately), the point stands that the possibilities for refinement are endless in nearly any phase of life.  Stay-at-home mothers come in all varieties and I’d hate to think that other people, or far worse, we limit ourselves by the mundane tasks that we tackle every day. Diapers, oatmeal pots, stained shirts… the mom treadmill can be definitely monotonous. But it is not confining.

I should know, I hop on and off it all the time. 🙂

Those mundane tasks also don’t define me. A CEO of a major corporation doesn’t say he “ties his own shoes,” “spends a lot of time in an elevator,” or “flips through unnecessary paperwork” for a living. He defines his role by the overall growth and health of the company. I’m nurturing souls, raising the next generation, and creating a safe haven for 5 people and counting. I just wipe lots of sticky fingers along the way.

Bring your kids along

Every mother finds her own way, and I see many develop passions which take them outside of their home (a job, photography, athletics, etc.) These generally make it easier to answer the question “what do you do?” A mother could respond, “I’m a mother and I…. [am a photographer].”

But if you choose, you can stay right at home and stay (or become!) intellectually sharp and develop passions and skills outside of changing diapers and inspecting peanut butter mouths.

With my husband’s (previously) busy schedule and my (arguably irrational at times) aversion to hiring out the care of my children, my own personal growth often happens with a child on my hip. These days I have another one holding my hand and a third one racing ahead.

I’m not convinced that “me time” must mean “time away from children”. As I ponder what truly recharges and challenges me, if I narrow that list to things I can do with/near/for my children, I am still left with several lifetimes’ worth to choose from.

Soon, I’ll post 12 ways I personally stay sharp as a stay-at-home mother, and I hope you’ll add your own ideas to the comments over there!